We live, as Ric is fond of telling people, at the corner of Drunk and Stupid, on a street where one or another of our neighbors is always getting in a drunken shouting match or fistfight with someone, usually on the street beneath our window.  While these incidents are highly prized for their entertainment value (after all, one can only watch Transformers 2 being replayed with Korean subtitles so many times), the real gems are the folks who live in our new but fairly shoddily built apartment building.  There is no insulation or soundproofing of any kind in our apartments.  And by “no”, I mean the wallpaper is laid directly on top of the concrete walls that make up the structure we live in. Couple this with all hard flooring and a stairwell in the center of the building that acts as some kind of megaphone, and you don’t even have to TRY to eavesdrop.  Like, we can hear our next door neighbor’s phone ring–when it’s set to vibrate.  

The following was mostly written by the inimitable Ric Arnold at about 1:30 Sunday morning. Here, for your reading pleasure, we present an account of the people who live in our teeny, tiny building. 

1) The Urinator: Think of the Terminator but with a stronger bladder. This guy pees so loud, it sounds like he is pouring a bucket of water into a swimming pool while standing on a ladder.

2) C.C. (Clickity-Clack): She wears heels EVERYWHERE and apparently begins every morning with a brisk sprint downstairs, turned-ankles be damned.Plus, she always forgets something and has to 180 back across the marble tile while seeming to stamp out small brush fires.

3) Captain Coughs-So-Much: Ever try to start a car on a cold morning when the fuel is almost solid and the engine grinds? Same thing but grosser. This poor guy hacks like he has a chicken bone lodged sideways in his throat… for 30 minutes. He has to live alone because no one would tolerate this without hospital admission for TB, Emphysema, or Whooping cough. I honestly worry for his health. As in, I expect a coroner to pass me in the hallway at any time.

4) Slammer-time: Every night, for some reason, our fifth floor neighbor slams his outer door 4-5 times. This is a metal-to-metal, earth-shaking, Holy-Mary-Mother-of-God-the North Koreans-are-on-the-warpath slamapalooza. Maybe it’s OCD, maybe it’s a friendly reminder that he is going to bed. I don’t know.

5) Puss-in-Box: This dude has a cat. A loud,sad,cat. This cat decides the best time to bemoan his fate is in the wee hours of the morning. The owner of said cat may be the aforementioned Captain. That would explain so much.

6)  Final resident: The Timekeeper. I don’t understand how this person consistently leaves home BEFORE the alarm goes off and forgets to silence it. So we get the playback of either a microwave letting you know the popcorn is finished or a dump truck is backing up…in the room next door …for 3 hours.

Oh Korea. At least our power bill’s cheap and the rent’s free.