"Don't feel sad about us."

Korea is a good place to dwell on the past. More than likely, everyone who means a great deal to you is a continent and/or ocean away. I’ve been thinking lately about my failure to remain friends with ex-boyfriends. I don’t have any. Even with boys that I’ve only had sexual relationships with, we fail to maintain any friendship.

So, my exes fall into two categories:

(1) We don’t talk at all and abruptly left things on unpleasant terms. Talking again would be strange. If in the same area, we would avoid eye contact.

(2) We talk from time to time because if we were in the same area, we would totally have mind-blowing sex.

So, I am not “friends” with any of my exes. If we talk, it’s because they want to have sex with me again. I know this because that’s where our conversations typically lead to. This is unfortunate because I have always wanted to be friends with an ex-boyfriend. It’s heartbreaking to be so close to someone and then be less than strangers after the dissolution of the relationship. When I say “less than strangers,” I often mean that they’ve replaced my name with “bitch” or “cunt” when talking to me.

I’ve come to realize that if I’ve been in a relationship where we really loved each other and there is no hope for us to get back together, there is no way we’ll even be friendly to each other. One of us will inevitably say something cruel. If we didn’t have any strong feelings, then, yes, we’ll talk, but only because they want to hook up again. I try to comfort myself in the fact that these men have once greatly cared for me, and maybe think of me a little bit from time to time.

I can tell myself cliche things like “we’re both better with someone new,” “we love each other from a distance,” or “we must learn and grow for future relationships,” but… It still hurts. I hurt. When someone says they love you and they’ll never hurt you, and then later they’re cursing your name and saying that they’ve regretted ever meeting you, well… you know where I’m going with this.

There are men I can’t completely leave in the past. Especially lately, I’ve been dwelling on the mistakes I have made and the bridges I have burned. It makes me hesitate to have a new relationship with real, deep feelings. My friends tell me to move on and to not let the pain of the past hinder the great future I have ahead.

I am also struggling with what I want in a relationship and in my life. In the past, I have put others’ needs before my own and lost myself in a dyad. I don’t ever want to do that again.

I really like my apartment (living alone has its perks), my job (which pays well), my part-time job (which gives me experience in what I want to do), my friends (near and far), my relationship with my parents (who love me no matter what AND tell me that AND show me that), and the sexy (and ever-patient) boy who takes me out on cute dates. For the first time in my life, my future is totally open to anything I want. It’s both scary and exciting. Yet, at this time, I don’t want anything less.